April

Too many words and too little time. Minutes, hours, weeks go by so quickly and memories slip out of my hands and into my heart, locked. It has already begun its recovery process, faster than my typing fingers. It's so hard to be here... 

I want you to know that my April was amazing. Like a beautiful tragedy, slipping into my third relapse since I stopped meds, I lived through every second, intoxicated with emotions from one end to another. No thought was un-thought of. No tear was not cried out. No emotion left before shaking my entire being as though craving for a bong. I am so proud of myself. Because this is what I want. The unraveling. No more hiding.

It's still a knot. A vibrating knot. And I look forward to the day where I won't miss its absence. Days when tears are kept in the back pockets of my skinny jeans and chin held high supporting the best smile I could muster in the history of best smiles. 

It's work that I can articulate well and other things that I simply cannot so here it is. Work has been tough this year. I feel the immense responsibility of each student, I feel it in my bones. I carry them on my shoulders every day, when I eat, sleep, stand.. "Eli Eli lama sabakhtani?" "God, why have you forsaken me?" I remember sitting through Good Friday service feeling so hopeless. But by the end of it I knew that the weight of the cross was heavier than any feeling that I was feeling. Things picked up after that day. 

Work preparations take ages. It takes a minute up to seven days to prepare for a lesson plan, depending on the choir. But seven choirs? Heh. So it's watching five to ten videos per week for ideas. It's talking about work off working hours. It's jotting down anything that might be useful at the randomest time. It's thinking about Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday when it's only Monday. It's carrying the 22kg keyboard from my house and into the car, and to wherever I was teaching that day. It's also screaming more than teaching, literally feeling my throat giving way further into the class. It's displaying my temper for all to see then feeling bad about it...But it's also getting that cute smile from a student. A hug sometimes. Sounds like a dream job. It really is. 

I couldn't have gotten this far so early in the year if it wasn't for Sarah. My heart has not loved so much before her. I cannot imagine anymore not knowing this love. So special, and "so intimate that her hand on my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep her eyes close."  I miss her smile the minute I wake up. I wished every day was Sarah's birthday like it happened this month because God was so kind. Bonus weeks as we like to call it is when we watch each other fall in slumber and wake up to the warmth of our bodies nestled like puzzles. and truly I tell you, I have never felt so blessed. I took the light from the window above our heads that fell over her face and refracted in her eyes as my saving grace. I always said that she looks most beautiful like that. I lied. She looks most beautiful when she catches my tears and let me die into her shoulder. No one could see me through the way you did. I love you more than music. 

It's 1.10am. I'm done for the day. Feeling a sore neck coming on. Goodnight! 

 

Only human

Letting off steam because I'm only human.

1. "You're so busy yet you're so broke!"
2. "No wonder you eat so much.."
3. "You can look it up online"
4. "Ya, you should gao dim yourself"
5. "I don't think you can handle the class. You don't have classroom management"
6. "They're not showing any progress. Parents are paying.."
7. "You should be thankful"
8. "You should think twice about changing your job"
9. "I don't want you to be like Donovan"
10. "You can't do anything without money"

Seriously, fuck you.

Labour Day

I don't even know where to start. I'm here because over the years I have been trained to think that typing on the laptop or the sound produced from it makes me feel useful and productive. I still carry my journal wherever I go but the pen just doesn't fit like it used to anymore. Aren't we all up for alternatives eh.

It's labour day today - bullshit. I woke up without the alarm this morning. I let my body wriggle and stretch under the four blankets of different textures and with the AC turned on at 16 degrees, it sure felt good. I love mornings like these, even the smell of the cold room gets to me. My favourite is looking at the sun peeping through the blinds. Mum's still asleep beside me. I had in mind that I could get up, go downstairs and sit under the sun outside or I could stay in bed. I have no idea what today's going to be like. How can we know, really?

After snuggling under covers while texting Sarah after what seemed forever, I went to the store room next door to get a bag. A handbag. I emptied my belongings from the current one and transferred them to the one I just took out. It's bigger! For months my eyes fixated from the straps to the bulge in the center of my Charles & Keith. My mind would make circles looking at myself filling the bag with stuff until the cover couldn't fulfill its purpose, imagining its weight. Am I going to fill the bag until the straps are not able to withhold the weight? I stare at it obsessively hoping that they would snap, I stare it at it waiting for my hands to rip the bag apart. Let its will be done! I imagine a thunderous burst of pleasure to fill my heart and I see that happen, my heart will continue to pulsate morbidly. The feeling has returned. Over the years I have thought about my obsession to spread lipstick on my white shirt, walk barefoot on the road outside, and paint outside the drawn lines. When will this ever end. When will the itch ever stop. So I changed bags to get a piece of mind.

They say if you're aware of it, you're on the right path. Maybe I am. My days are spent trying to do good things as much as possible. I wake up each day with the best intentions, just wished I had better control of the unknown. It doesn't even make sense doesn't it. I'm thankful though for the people who have stuck with me, mood swings, brokenness and all. People who have offered themselves as a 24-7 journal entry. People who have allowed me to completely be myself. And Sarah, I love her. She has been nothing short of amazing and I cannot thank God enough.

So please universe, show me a sign that things will get better. Let me know if I can do anything more. I'm not giving up yet.