April

Too many words and too little time. Minutes, hours, weeks go by so quickly and memories slip out of my hands and into my heart, locked. It has already begun its recovery process, faster than my typing fingers. It's so hard to be here... 

I want you to know that my April was amazing. Like a beautiful tragedy, slipping into my third relapse since I stopped meds, I lived through every second, intoxicated with emotions from one end to another. No thought was un-thought of. No tear was not cried out. No emotion left before shaking my entire being as though craving for a bong. I am so proud of myself. Because this is what I want. The unraveling. No more hiding.

It's still a knot. A vibrating knot. And I look forward to the day where I won't miss its absence. Days when tears are kept in the back pockets of my skinny jeans and chin held high supporting the best smile I could muster in the history of best smiles. 

It's work that I can articulate well and other things that I simply cannot so here it is. Work has been tough this year. I feel the immense responsibility of each student, I feel it in my bones. I carry them on my shoulders every day, when I eat, sleep, stand.. "Eli Eli lama sabakhtani?" "God, why have you forsaken me?" I remember sitting through Good Friday service feeling so hopeless. But by the end of it I knew that the weight of the cross was heavier than any feeling that I was feeling. Things picked up after that day. 

Work preparations take ages. It takes a minute up to seven days to prepare for a lesson plan, depending on the choir. But seven choirs? Heh. So it's watching five to ten videos per week for ideas. It's talking about work off working hours. It's jotting down anything that might be useful at the randomest time. It's thinking about Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday when it's only Monday. It's carrying the 22kg keyboard from my house and into the car, and to wherever I was teaching that day. It's also screaming more than teaching, literally feeling my throat giving way further into the class. It's displaying my temper for all to see then feeling bad about it...But it's also getting that cute smile from a student. A hug sometimes. Sounds like a dream job. It really is. 

I couldn't have gotten this far so early in the year if it wasn't for Sarah. My heart has not loved so much before her. I cannot imagine anymore not knowing this love. So special, and "so intimate that her hand on my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep her eyes close."  I miss her smile the minute I wake up. I wished every day was Sarah's birthday like it happened this month because God was so kind. Bonus weeks as we like to call it is when we watch each other fall in slumber and wake up to the warmth of our bodies nestled like puzzles. and truly I tell you, I have never felt so blessed. I took the light from the window above our heads that fell over her face and refracted in her eyes as my saving grace. I always said that she looks most beautiful like that. I lied. She looks most beautiful when she catches my tears and let me die into her shoulder. No one could see me through the way you did. I love you more than music. 

It's 1.10am. I'm done for the day. Feeling a sore neck coming on. Goodnight!